Four Methods to get rid of your Mother-in-law

Q:

Dear Dorothy, 

What are your thoughts on Mothers-in-law? Mine has been staying at our place now for a VERY long time. Any exit strategies?

Anonymous

A:

Dear Anonymous

We have been since the dawning of time, and we will be one of a handful of reptilian-like species found roaming the landscape long after Hell freezes over. But we need not be part of the furniture in the meantime. Life and relationships are about love, understanding and attitude. But should all that fail then you just ask us to leave.

Anonymous there are a number of different ways you can develop an exit strategy. However the option you choose depends on who you want to exit first, you or the mother-in-law.

Method One

If you are after a quick fix solution and are unconcerned about the ramifications that follow, then carefully craft a few well selected sentences containing a number of offensive four letter words and use them liberally in general conversation when dealing with the said affliction. I’m sure if you let her know how you feel she will leave in no time.

Method Two

Should you be unfortunate enough to still have children, as many of us do, then you’re in luck. Tell the dear old biddy that you and your partner need a bit of a break away from everyone and everything (including her) and are in desperate need of a baby sitter for, oh... let’s say a month. Like most of us grandparents she will bend over backward to spend more time with the kiddies. The key with this tact is not so much in the how long you will be away for, but rather the state that you leave the family home... and children. 

Make sure there is washing to be done, lawns to be mowed, sporting activities with conflicting schedules, and lots of other mind-numbingly dull, tedious tasks to be undertaken (make a list for her if necessary). In addition, make sure you do some general grocery shopping before you go and ensure the pantry is stocked with goodies such as red cordial, lots of soft drink and plenty of sugary snacks. The odds are that by the time you return your unwanted house guest (if still coherent) will be begging you to drop her off at the nearest bus stop.

Method Three (in two parts)

Our ability to recall information and anecdotes is one of our great joys in life. Sadly for many of us though, the memories and mind begin to fade with time, and therefore the fear of losing our mind can be used as a powerful weapon.

In method three you could start moving things around the house, such as her personal possessions, furniture and other nick-nacks. When she wonders where she has left something you can always be of help by letting her know that you saw her with it a few moments ago in such-and-such a room – too bad if she can’t recall being in that room all day -. 

Should she comment on the new arrangement of furniture reassure her that the room has looked like this for at least a week, and ask her if she is feeling alright. This method also works equally well with phone messages not passed on, and other little things you tell her she promised to do earlier in the day such as cooking dinner, the laundry, and babysitting while you and your partner go out for a night on the town.  Just keep reassuring her the message was passed on, and she did promise.

By maintaining this strategy for a few weeks without being caught, your unwanted guest will begin to wonder what else they have forgotten.

Once you a confident that she doubts herself and everything she does, it is time to move on to phase two. Start leaving brochures lying discreetly around the house promoting local nursing homes and other care facilities for the frail and infirm. Once you know the brochures have been spotted it is time to have hushed conversations with your partner that suddenly stop when the ‘poor old dear’ enters the room.

Apart from being concerned for our mental health when we get older, our next biggest fear is that we are going to be planted in some God-forsaken nursing home full of geriatrics by our uncaring and ungrateful children. Believe me, when we see that first glint of hope in our child’s eye that the inheritance is that much closer we know it is time to prove how independent we still are and, we would rather be doing it somewhere other than in your home.

Method four

In any relationship communication and knowing the ground rules is a key part. It is never too late to open the communication channels with your mother-in-law, and there is always time to set the ground rules and what we expect from each other. But be gentle with her, the key is not to alienate but rather endear her to you.

My suggestion is for you to move into natural territory and take your mother-in-law somewhere, just the two of you, such as a nice coffee shop and have a chat. Express concern for her well-being (nothing to do with Method three). Tell her how you feel about her prolonged stay and talk about the impact that her being there is having on your relationship. Perhaps even talk about the relationship she had with her own mother-in-law, this may give you some valuable clues and talking points for comparison. 

Look at things from your mother-in-law’s perspective and think about her motivation for being there. Did she initially arrive for a specific purpose? If so, has that purpose been resolved, and can she get back to her own life? Perhaps she just needs reassurance and permission to go.

If perchance she just lobbed up on the doorstep one day unannounced (as we frequently do) why is she still there, and what is going on in her life that makes her want to stay? 

As I stated before, when we grow old we worry about our mental health and our ability to be independent. However one of the other major things many of us fear is being alone (this is not always age dependant). Is there a solution that can be brokered without her living in your pocket – perhaps you could revisit the brochure idea from method three or some other suitable arrangement.

Be prepared when you have this chat though. We are the mistresses of the mind game and experts in emotional blackmail. Once you broach the subject of ‘isn’t it time you left,’ we will pull out the big guns and respond with common ‘don’t’ phrases such as; don’t you love me? Don’t you like me? Don’t you want me here anymore? The way you respond will determine who is in control of this difficult conversation.

General Tips

• Do not, and I repeat. Do not try and knock her off. Even if you think you have the perfect plan, you don’t.

• Do not take her for a long drive in the country for a run in a field of wild daisies and leave her there. Mothers-in-law are not dogs and generally we have no difficulty in finding our way back home (i.e. your place).

•  Never give your partner an ultimatum when trying to get rid of the mother-in-law such as; ‘it’s me or your mother.’ No matter how well you know, or think you know your partner, they may just surprise you and help you pack your bags.

• Communication is the key to any good relationship. Make sure you talk with your partner on a regular basis and let them know how you really feel. You never know together you may come up with a great solution.

• Prepare and if necessary, rehearse what you want to say.

• Be respectful, honest and open.

If you have a mother-in-law story please feel free to share it with the rest of us. I am more than happy to post it.

Oh and a quick message to my own daughter-in-law: Cynthia, the next time you starch my underwear, short sheet my bed or lock me out of the house, you’re in for it!